If Christina decides on a career change, we’ve decided she can be the face of Tahoe Blue Vodka

Things That Are Wrong With Christina

Over the years, I have used this space occasionally to write about my significant other. As I have said many times, every relationship in life is temporary until it isn’t. Some people split up after 3 months, others 30 years. Only those who make it to death while still together can claim victory, although I remind you that many people together for long periods of time are and have been miserably unhappy.

Everyone coos and awes when they hear about the couple that is in their 80’s and got married as childhood sweethearts. No one ever looks behind the curtain to discover that he beat her daily for 50 of those years until he just lost his strength. Now he verbally abuses her. That’s a true, first hand story I’ve seen personally, and it’s not exclusive, I promise you.

Nothing in life is guaranteed other than its’ end, which we have very little control over. I’m much more of a “live in the moment,” sort of person than one who sits around wringing his hands about what may or may not happen and trying to control things out of my control. That’s not to say I never plan, but again, you can only plan what you can control. Yes, I save for retirement, but not to the point that I don’t spend my money now on enjoying life. I pity people who forego the things they want in life in the name of “building a nest egg,” only to wake up one day dead, having lived a life of regret and saving lots of money for their family members to now enjoy. Way to go, idiot.

So when February 26th of this year came along and I met a woman named Christina, I was prepared for and open to anything. I knew she was moving a week later from Sacramento to Dallas, but that’s no reason to not go out and meet, so we agreed to get together for some drinks and see where the night took us. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but when our eyes met for the first time that evening, we both were literally taken aback and visibly staggered. Those of you who have seen Christina can see why I reacted the way I did; as for her reaction, I believe she was just happy that I was (slightly) taller than her.

The night was amazing. So much so that we found a way to have me make her lunch on the day she was packing to leave.

Then came the quandary; what to do about us? Do we just let each other go and always wonder what might have or could have been? Or stupidly hope that “the universe will lead us back to each other if we’re mean to be?” Or do we proactively pursue a chance to be together, no matter how many hurdles might be in our way?

We chose the latter. Granted, we’re only 5 months in and no one is claiming we’re the greatest couple of all time, but those 5 months have packed years of experiences and conversations and memories into them.

In other words, so far so good for now. We have way too much fun together, that’s for certain. We have various ideas and plans for the future but are only controlling what we can for right now. And I assume that we’re both constantly evaluating, as all couples should, whether or not our significant other is worth our current lifestyle, challenges, hurdles and happiness levels. Which brings me to the things wrong with Christina that I am currently contemplating and evaluating:

SELFIE STICK: This was the first red flag. Shortly after she moved, we began Facetiming multiple times a day to stay in touch and get to know each other via technology. One night she brought out her selfie stick, the bane of Millennial existence. I almost ended it there on the spot, knowing that I had already in my life, had too many run-ins with selfie stick owners. Truth be told, that stupid stick has proven invaluable on our travels and since she isn’t an ass about using it, I have let this one go.
HOT SHOWERS: Christina likes showers that are so hot it peels your skin off. I like warm showers, nothing more. We do not shower together. Her loss. Besides, water sex is overrated.

TERRIBLE MORNING PERSON: For the last 25 years, I have awoken at 3AM. That lifestyle has taught me to wake up quickly and get going. She, on the other hand, lies around, grunts, and groans and is essentially impossible to communicate with for about 30 minutes. How this woman did two tours in Afghanistan I truly do not know. Maybe I need to start playing reveille every morning when we wake up.

INDEPENDENCE DAY: Christina was born in 1991. The movie Independence Day was released in 1996. I don’t know what sort of weird upbringing this woman had, but to not have ever seen one of the true classics of her generation is appalling. That’s right…you read that correctly; my girlfriend has never seen Independence Day. This would be like someone my age never having seen Star Wars or Animal House. By the way, she’s never seen those movies either. Heathen.

SHE MAKES ME BRUSH MY TEETH: We all have our “things,” right? Hers’ is bad breath. Like really, any form of breath that isn’t fresh and clean makes her wretch. It makes impromptu kissing quite a challenge. Gum is not always the answer because often with gum, all you get is minty stale breath. So I find myself brushing my teeth way more often than usual, because who isn’t going to kiss that gorgeous face? Christ, I’d run myself through a touchless car wash each time if that’s all it took.

SHE’S AS HEADSTRONG AS I AM: God damnit if we don’t butt heads, but for now, we seem to think we challenge each other to be better people and mates. Of course, we don’t live together, so maybe that makes it easier. Right about the time we’re totally tired of each other, one of us has to leave. I think the last time I was in Dallas she didn’t even actually stop the car at curbside check-in…she just basically slowed down, said “bye,” and popped the trunk. After I chased the car getting my luggage out I waved goodbye.

SHE’S IN DALLAS: This is her worst quality, which is meant as a compliment since it’s not a personal trait of any kind. Now, don’t get me wrong’ I’ve been visiting Dallas off and on since 1994; it’s a neat city and I enjoy it. Plus, any excuse for me to leave Sacramento (other than visiting Bakersfield) is a good excuse. But seriously, having your significant other 1700 miles away when you’re trying to build a relationship is, to say the least, a challenge. Although, it also makes things very exciting in a variety of ways when we’re together because we feel compelled to make the most of our time together.

So, with all of that said, what was the point of this? Well, for starters, as I said in the beginning, occasionally so many people enjoy a little insight into our personal lives and this is as personal as it gets for me these days. Secondly, if you’re a typical idiot than this has all been lost on you from the beginning. The idea is to show and remind that there is no such thing as a perfect situation and/or a perfect relationship. We make our own way, and it’s up to us to grab hold of life.

Most importantly, if you don’t understand humor and sarcasm than maybe you aren’t aware that I just wrote a beautiful love letter to Christina. When the worst thing you can say about someone is that she’s as smart and stubborn as you, her showers are too hot, and she has terrible taste in movies, you’re off to a good start.

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