“Rules For Being A Sports Fan” per the IFSF (International Federation of Sports Fans) as deemed by Commissioner Rob Williams:
- If you grow up in an area with major sports teams, those are your teams, period. It doesn’t matter where your family comes from or who they root for, you come from that area and those are your teams. If you’re 8 years old in Anaheim, California and your dad is a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan, screw dad. You are either a Rams or Chargers fan, period. And we offer you our condolences on your horrible choice.
- If you grow up in a massive area with multiple teams in multiples sports, then you must choose teams. Pick the NY Giants or the Jets, not both. Pick the Mets or The Yankees, not both.
- Once you’ve committed your loyalties to a team, that’s it. That’s your team. If you move, you’re still a fan of your original team. You cannot change teams because you changed geography. Sports fan loyalty is bigger than marriage. There is no divorce unless you are abused as we’ll discuss later. Don’t be a cheater.
- If, however, your team moves on you (abandonment), all bets are off. For example, you grew up in Baltimore and the Colts left you. You do not need to be an Indianapolis Colts fan (but you can be). You are now free to choose to root for whichever team that will be your new team. Once you choose a new team, you are and must remain loyal to that team forever. And you can take as long as you like to choose your new team because grieving over the loss of a team knows no limits. But don’t be a derp, you should not ever choose a team that was your former team’s rival. (“The Raiders left Oakland and now I’m a Broncos or Chiefs fan”…screw off, loser)
- If you live in an area that doesn’t have a sports team, and you are already a fan of a team and a new team locates to your area, you are not only not obligated to become a fan of the new team, you are not allowed. Example…you live in Las Vegas as a fan of the Arizona Cardinals…the Raiders come to Vegas…you are NOT allowed to become a Raiders fan. Think of it this way; you live in a nice neighborhood with your beautiful wife of 10 years and suddenly a hotter, younger woman moves in across the street. Unless you’re a pig, you are NOT allowed to begin banging the new girl. Stay committed to the haggard horse that you’ve been loyal to.
- If you grow up in a barren wasteland like South Dakota or Montana, which has no pro sports teams, then you become a fan of your father’s sports team. Barren wastelands are defined as no professional sports team within a 90-mile radius.
- If your father doesn’t have a team, or was absent because you were a rotten kid, or abused you and therefore is a scumbag, then you are free to choose any team, anywhere…but you are then committed to that/those teams for life. Also, you should be consistent with your choices. If you grow up in Reno and become a New York Yankees fan, a Miami Dolphins fan, a Chicago Blackhawks fan, and a Los Angeles Lakers fan you’re simply a douchebag.
- Apparel/Merchandise/Gear/Accessories=Fan! Once you put on that team’s hat, you are that teams’ fan. Period. No wearing apparel of any other team other than your team in any given sport is allowed. You may attend games involving other teams while sporting neutral apparel. For example, if you’re a 49ers fan and you go to a Packers/Vikings game at Lambeau, you wear an Old Navy sweatshirt with no logos.
- Apparel part deux; You never, never, never may wear clothing not representative of conditions and loyalties. Attending a 49ers game wearing a Kansas City Chiefs Joe Montana jersey is a capital crime punishable by death. Attending a baseball game wearing a jersey from another sport is reason to shoot you on sight. Attending a game wearing apparel representing a team that is not playing in that game is cause for castration. Additionally, apparel representing more than one team, i.e. a half A’s/Giants jersey means you have commitment issues and no loyalty to anything and you should be deported.
- If you discover, later in life (after the age of 8) that you are becoming a fan of a sport and/or team that you had never previously showed an interest in, the process is as follows: If you become a fan of a sport because a team suddenly arrives in your area and you find yourself drawn to the excitement, you may become a fan of that team and that team only. It is the presence of that team bringing the sport to your area that has excited you, and they are in your hometown, therefore they are your team. Anyone in Las Vegas who was never into hockey before the Golden Knights arrive who is now a hockey fan of another team should be thrown in a wood chipper.
- Conversely, perhaps, for whatever reason, having never been much of a basketball fan, you find yourself watching more and more of the game. As a grown adult, you have choices. This is a personal integrity test which will cause you to dig deeply into your soul. Which team are you drawn to and why? If you’re simply drawn to the best team, you are a bandwagoner and have no business being a fan. As someone who grew up in the Bay Area, your humble commissioner would have every right to be drawn to the Warriors. The commissioner, in his teen years, began rooter for, but never becoming a fan of the Lakers and attended a few games in the 1990’s. However, as he began gravitating to more and more basketball, he found there was only one team he genuinely cared about and rooted for, therefore he chose the team of his hometown of 25 years, the Sacramento Kings. That’s what integrity looks like.
- Girls don’t matter. As long as a human identifies as a woman, her opinions and behaviors as a sports fan are irrelevant and meaningless. Even in 21st century America it’s okay for genders to have their own thing. Men have sports, hunting, meat and dirt. Women have knitting, book clubs, and Planned Parenthood. They can twirl their hair and wear pink jerseys and ask their stupid questions about points in baseball, umpires in hockey, managers in football, and where the dugout is at a basketball game but they don’t matter at all in sports-land.
- Minor league teams and colleges are meaningless. You can attend and root for whatever minor league or college team you want, regardless of which professional sports team you are a fan of. Who cares? The overwhelming majority of those losers will never see the big leagues, which is all that matters. Yes, you can attend a Sacramento River Cats game (minor league of the San Francisco Giants) if you are an Oakland A’s fan. Who cares? It’s not real baseball, grow up.
- Winning is still all that matters. Sports may be the last refuge of this truth in America. You can never, ever justify your loyalty by citing the fact that your team did better than another team unless your team won the actual championship. It is absolutely irrelevant if you’re a Steelers fan and you point out to a Ravens fan that the Steelers made the AFC championship game and lost while the Ravens didn’t even make the playoffs. So what? You’re all losers. We play the games to win, period. 2nd place is just first loser, loser.
- There are only 4 actual sports; Football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. Everything else is a game or activity so we don’t care who your favorite golfer is, why you like Nascar, or who the #1 seed in tennis is. And for the love of God, this is America, thus soccer is irrelevant, stop trying to tell us otherwise.
THE IFSF GRANTS A MILITARY EXEMPTION SINCE THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE AMERICAN ARMED FORCES DEFEND OUR RIGHTS TO SAY AND STAND BY STUPID THINGS LIKE THIS LIST. EXEMPTIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS:
- If you personally served, regardless of length or any deployment
- If you are or were married to someone while they served
- If you are the child of someone who served, regardless of whether you were alive during their service
- If you are the parent of a child you raised who is now serving or has served
Conscience test: could you claim, if you were raised by your grandparents, for example, and your grandfather fought in Vietnam, that you are exempt…you could. If you can do so and sleep at night, that’s between you and whatever God you may believe in.