My Son Wally

My Son Wally

Last week I announced on-air that I have an imaginary 5-year-old son named Wally in reaction to some mental midget claiming that because I don’t have children, I can’t comment on various issues related to child rearing and raising.

And then the strangest thing happened…a bunch of people bought it.

So, we went with it. And we may keep going with it because I’m assuming the listeners gullible enough to believe my story also can’t and/or don’t read.

So apparently Wally is the product of a one night stand that occurred between my marriage and my 3 ½ year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. As the made-up-on-the-fly-story goes, I impregnated some slut who didn’t want to keep the baby, but I paid her off and she signed over her parenting rights and I’ve been raising little Wally on my own for the past 5 years (by the way…none of that math adds up at all…my ex-wife and I split up in 2012 for God’s sake).

Many (I hope most) people understood the gag…I was being absurd to illustrate the absurd. Telling someone they’re not entitled to an opinion because of their lack of hands-on experience is completely asinine and always has been. I don’t need to have a child of my own to know that it’s wrong for a 45-year-old man to punch his 7 year old in the face. I don’t need to have a child of my own to determine that a parent needs to get their damn kid to school everyday. I don’t need to have a child to know that kids should be outside playing. I was a child (some would say I still am). I am an intelligent man living in a society of children. I don’t need to have a child to know that 5-year-olds (like Wally apparently) shouldn’t be running around at the airport plowing into adults’ knees. Control your god damned kid, asshole.

It was the reaction of those who didn’t get the gag that made me laugh and cry all at once. I was instantly praised and raised to a new level by those who thought I seriously had a child. I was also elevated further because I was a single parent. We have a name for such reactions; it’s called bigotry. Did that escalate too quickly?

As a man who reveres those who serve, for example, whether it be in the military or as a first responder, I am also the first to tell people not to place them as individuals on any sort of pedestal. Just because you put the uniform on, you’re not a great person. You may be brave, courageous and necessary but if you go home at night and beat your wife, you’re no hero of mine.

This idea that parents matter more in this society is not new, nor is it intelligent. Some of the greatest people in our history have been childless. The only argument the ignorant have is the “I’m furthering the species” argument which is asinine on its face, of course. There are plenty of humans on this planet and within the borders of America. Thanks, you can stand down on populating the planet.

I received dozens of emails from people, with children and without, who suddenly had new found respect for my opinions.

Read that carefully…they had newfound respect for my opinions…not my phony job as a single parent, but rather now I was correct on everything I had said because I was “part of the club.”
Screw all of you to death. Points of view are valid based on their content, not their experience. The right answer is the right answer all of the time. Some of the greatest commanders-in-chief in our history had ZERO military experience. Sometimes being removed from the forest helps you actually see the trees.

When I stepped out of the forest, I saw Wally. I love him so much.

more posts in: