ROB’S REVIEW OF “GODZILLA VERSUS KONG” (IN THEATERS AND STREAMING ON HBO MAX)
First of all, I’m not sure how Godzilla got top billing…he must have the better agent because Kong has waaaayyyyy more screen time; but I digress.
Let me start with this pro tip going in; ignore the plot entirely. It’s stupid, worthless, and meaningless. I’d almost suggest you treat this like an action porno and tell you to fast forward to the fight scenes, but there is some minor context needed to be had to enjoy the movie. It’s a perfect film to watch while also scrolling social media, getting work done, and listening in the background while only really paying attention at various crucial parts (which will be obvious and the perfect time to hit rewind…which, side note…I would have hated this movie in a theater. I’m sure it’s more visually stunning, but with nothing to fill the void between actions scenes I would have lost interest).
The very first scene shows us Kong in an almost adorable way…until he gets pissed…and then they spend 30 or so minutes explaining why he has to be moved from Skull Island to Antarctica (I think, I stopped paying attention) via ship. Along the way, we learn that a little deaf girl can communicate with Kong and almost every other human in the film is an idiot.
At about 40 minutes in, Godzilla makes his first appearance and gets in a battle with fighter jets and battleships, and you can probably guess how that goes (the visual effects are awesome and fun as hell). All of this leads to our first Kong versus Godzilla head-to-head which begins underwater (with a great head butt move by Kong) and continues for 6 action packed minutes with the two coming to blows on-top of an air craft carrier and ultimately the first we see of Godzilla spewing endless fire from his throat, before the hapless humans we don’t care about bring an end to round one. Time to resume working.
Eventually, a few dozen helicopters air drop Kong onto what I am now sure is Antarctica (they put it on the screen, clearly realizing when they wrote this that no one would pay attention to the “talking parts,” and those who did would tune out quickly). Kong makes his way to the center of the continent, or “Hollow Earth,” as it is known, which it turns out is a lush rainforest (y’know, perfect for an enormous ape), before making his way deeper. Meanwhile, Godzilla fire-drills into the Earth (of course) so that Kong can join him in Tokyo (of course again) and what we think is the final stage is set. Many humans die (as they should) and you wonder if the insurance companies will cover the damage to rebuild Japan’s capital city.
35 of the final 40 minutes are endless monster-on-monster violence, and includes a twist that only ups the action and creative creature violence. The other 5 minutes are pure Hollywood shmaltz and inspiring background music, and all of it is a glorious escape from reality. Turn your mind off and treat yourself to 58 minutes of awesome ridiculousness. The other half of the movie, do some chores…trust me, you won’t miss much.