The Dogclaration Of Independence

The Dogclaration Of Independence

I’ve had this story in my show prep folder for weeks and haven’t been able to bring myself to present it on the air because my ability and capacity to stay calm while discussing it has been noticeably absent.

The long and the short of it is this; this poor, devastated, Florida dog owner had to put his gorgeous Black Labrador to sleep after a horrible tragedy. Despite his broken heart, he has courageously gone public to warn fellow humans of this terrible accident in the hopes no other dogs will suffer, and thank God for him doing so.

At least, that’s how it was reported, en masse, by every single media outlet that carried the story. So instead, here’s the truth:

Some dumbass, totally ignorant to a basic understanding of life and how things work, further proved, once and for all, that too many humans are unfit to own dogs. His dog did not suffer an accident. His dog was neglected by a person who had been trusted with the responsibility of caring for the animal by helping it avoid the pitfalls of life that dogs, despite their intelligence, aren’t capable of gleaning on their own. But rather, this dolt stupidly allowed his water loving dog to lap up mouthful after mouthful of seawater while playing in the ocean, thus poisoning the dog with salt, shutting down his organs, and making him suffer a cruel and avoidable last few days…y’know, the exact thing we’re all taught in basic biology class happens to any mammal’s body in such an instance. This man should not be pitied nor revered; he should be charged with animal cruelty via neglect and barred from owning any future dogs unless and until he completes the steps needed as required by the never-to-be-enacted “Dogclaration of Independence.”

To be clear, this is not some hippie-dippie, PETA pile of garbage. This applies only to people who want a dog as a pet and for companionship. This document has no bearing on all other animals, whether they be wildlife, working livestock, or stupid pets like lizards, ferrets, and ladybugs. This is simply a very clear ordainment of rights onto us, as given us by the being greater than us on earth; our dogs:

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for beings greater than people to remind humans that “they ain’t all that,” the law of universal justice requires that those beings declare the causes which impel them to the steps they are taking.

        Thus, we hold this truth to be self-evident; that all humans are created equal, and they are all inherently flawed, unlike dogs, who are inherently perfect. Humans are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.  But none of those can come at the expense of the duty implied by the connection humans have been given to dogs; something people have taken for granted for far too long, and have taken zero responsibility for. There are no bad dogs, there are merely horrible human handlers. Today, we the dogs of America, Dogclare our Independence from all humans, and reserve our companionship only to those who fully understand, pledge to follow, and commit forever to the following:

  1. Humans will immediately make laws punishing harshly, and without compassion, all people who fail to follow these edicts with that understanding that Ghandi was correct when he declared that you properly judge a society by how it treats its pets.
  2. No dog shall, at anytime, be kept away from its’ pack of humans by being forced to live outside, away from the very thing we crave the most; our people, whom give us happiness. We are pack animals and you have domesticated us and made you our pack. You must honor that bond and live with us, and allow us amongst you. If you have issues with hair, dander, and/or allergies, leave us alone and get a stuffed animal.
  3. The rights of dogs to be safe and secure within their human homes shall come with the obvious understanding that we will be well fed, maintained, and cared for with consistent professional veterinarian care, safe, healthy, and reliable food and water, and an occasional trimming of nails and brushing of our coats. Baths are not necessary.
  4. Humans will provide us with the stimulation that we need to be the best dogs we can be. Some of us require physical exercise, others mental. Some of us require both. Others need lots of physical affection. In other words, we aren’t fish. We have been giving you what you need unconditionally for centuries. There are now conditions, as based on your failures as a species to reciprocate the love we have shown you.
  5. Toys are mandatory. They don’t have to squeak, but they must provide us outlets for our physical and mental energy when you people are busy. We aren’t needy, but we do have needs.
  6. It is understood that it is the obligation of humans to learn and know the things we cannot. It took us a long time to learn how to write this and we have a long way to go. We need you, and you’ve let us down. Don’t tie us to trees, feed us corn, or let us drink seawater. Never strike us…when you scold us with your “I’m disappointed in you,” voice, it’s more than enough. Please don’t raise your voices too much and stop letting your mini-humans pull our tails and ears. It hurts, and they’re stupid.
  7. We are not for rent. When you choose us, it is for life, and our life is not to be ended for convenience. We are not to be abandoned or given away. We are you and you are us. If the phrase “it’s just a dog,” has been a part of your vocabulary in this life, you shall never be allowed to be part of this amazing bond, for you sadly, are just a human…and a bad one, at that.
  8. Stop dyeing our fur, dressing us in costumes, and teaching us worthless commands like “shake.” We aren’t circus freaks. If that’s what you want, rent the Yak Lady.
  9. When you must leave us temporarily, do not do so at a place that leaves us in a cage half of our size for 23 hours a day. Just because you’re gone doesn’t mean our needs change.
  10. In exchange for these actions on humans’ parts, we will change nothing, for we have nothing to change. We are clean slates when you get us, even when you don’t get us at our birth. We adapt to you, we follow you, we want to serve you…and we have for untold years. The least you can do is step up and reciprocate. In return, we’ll be us; unconditionally, unequivocally, loyal, loving, and forever desirous of your approval and affection.

The idea of a dogs’ Bill of Rights is hardly new, thus it’s a long overdue necessity in a nation that refuses to hold people who overly or ignorantly abuse or neglect their dogs. I’m very aware that I’ll never live to see the day that we change, but for fellow dog lovers who dare to dream, here are some equally as passionate Bills of Rights to peruse:

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