My loyal maggots, assembled guests, invited dignitaries and fellow radio slime, I welcome you to the RAD State of the show address.
As some of you know, years ago, when the show was still in its infancy and Producer Brandon was still literally an infant, I would send out a report to all team members documenting how the show was doing on a variety of fronts. As time went on, such reports became less necessary as our alleged competition faded away and I got tired of writing “we continue to beat all other shows by a 3-to-1 margin in all genders, ages and demographics. End of report.” Plus, we had realized that the key to our success was to dominate the airwaves in various locations where there was literally no other radio talent within 100 miles of us, thus making us look far more talented and entertaining than we actually are.
However, in light of recent events, I have decided to issue a State of the Show address to all, including all of you. And so we begin.
Despite recent events that may give the appearance to the contrary, the state of the RAD show is as strong as it ever was. (Helped greatly by the aforementioned lack of choices the listeners have. Thank you, radio, for sucking like a Hoover).
While we have missed too many shows recently (and will be missing more again soon…more on that later), we stand united and strong and ready to deliver mediocre radio to you on a mostly daily basis for the mostly foreseeable future.
Last week, Dawn missed half the week and the entire show was gone for the other half as both she and I suffered from some dreadful form of what we presume is this damn Norovirus that is going around. For a while last Wednesday, I was literally testing the relevance of our recent on-air conversation as to whether or not it is possible to have fluids coming out of both ends of your body simultaneously. Work on that visual for a few moments. I also have a disgustingly entertaining bathtub story for the show this week…what a tease I am. Picture Mr. Burns from the Simpson’s in a hot bath…to be continued…
Despite waking up every morning with the intention of dragging my ass into our studios so that I would complete my grueling task of talking with friends for 4 hours while being paid more than 99% of the population to do so, it was abundantly clear each morning that I was in no condition or ability to drive, let alone plan or execute a show. My comment to any topic would have been “who cares, go to commercials.” Plus, I had no idea what the topics would be. I believe it was Thursday morning when I sat awake for 30 minutes literally staring at all of the day’s stories I had printed out with no ability or desire to comprehend them, even though I had read them all three times each. That’s when I texted Brandon I was going back to the bathroom floor to fall asleep. Safety first.
This all occurred within the backdrop of us missing a few shows last month as I devolved as a human being for a while in a Homo-Erectus-Pussy-us. While my heart still recovers from the passing of my dog and my pride and intellect continue to try to wrap their brain how any woman could leave all of what is me, those issues are off the front burner for me now and I am moving forward as strongly as ever while letting them process via therapy and alcohol. Shut up, don’t judge me.
So here we are, back again this week. And then we’ll be gone again for a week.
Calm down, calm down. The week before Easter is our annually scheduled Spring Break and not only do multiple members of the show have previously scheduled trips, we already cancelled an earlier week of vacation this year as a result of our missed time in February. While what we do is not real work, it’s still work and trust me, you will get far better shows if we all get a break.
I know, I know you’re screaming “you’ve had nothing but breaks recently.” Allow me to be the first to tell you that not working while testing the limits of your toilet is not a break. Nor is spending your holidays crumbling apart emotionally. Believe me, you want me to take a week and have some fun. God help anyone that gets in the way of my fun that week.
Besides, once Easter is over, you’re stuck with us live everyday (barring life getting in the way) for 3 full months. THREE MONTHS! What is this, Croatia? Who works for three straight months, 4 hours per day? Have we reverted back to the 1800’s in this country? My God, I need to join a union and get some workers’ rights.
I can’t promise you that no future shows will be missed. That would be irresponsible in “normal” times and so far, 2016 has been anything but normal for me personally and there are some other potential future personal challenges involving people I love and their possible need for my presence at some point. Let’s hope not as often times these things work themselves out. We’ll keep you informed and most importantly, when we do bother to show up, we’ll continue to take radio candy from the babies that masquerade as other entertaining shows. Oh, and as I promised before, we’ll give away some cash too.