Captain Unmarvelous

It’s so fun to watch people twist themselves into pretzels regardless of motivation.

The newest superhero movie (side note; can we be done with these sometime soon for the love of God) to dominate cinematic America is Captain Marvel, the first in the Marvel universe to rely solely on a female lead character.

When D.C. tried this with Wonder Woman starring Gal Gadot it was a smash success; not only did it make a ton of money, it was widely loved by almost all that saw it. I have not seen Wonder Woman and have no desire to as I grew up believing she’s a stupid super-hero. Not because she’s a woman but because…well, she’s a woman. But I’m not about to claim that the movie wasn’t successful nor well received.

Captain Marvel will make a ton of money, but it is beyond poorly received thus far.

Eliminate the Rotten Tomatoes trolling issue, something that has existed for years, and step-back for a minute; the truth is that the overwhelming majority of people who aren’t critics don’t like this movie. Critics hate it more, but critics aren’t human so they don’t count.

And this indisputable fact, that every single audience scoring platform that the industry trusts shows that people dislike Captain Marvel in overwhelming numbers, bothers people so much. And that makes me smile.

To be clear, both men and women hate this movie. In fact, women more so. However, we are to believe that America remains on the losing side of the gender argument because the reason we hate Captain Marvel is because it stars a woman, period. It can’t be that it’s just a crappy movie.

The female reboot of Ghostbusters, the female reboot of Ocean’s 11, and countless other attempts at placing women into men’s roles have either failed or been panned by people who saw it, and every time, of course, it’s not because the movie sucked, it’s because America is misogynist.

This viewpoint should infuriate women but it doesn’t, which infuriates me.

The never ending drumbeat that all people should be all things to everyone has to stop at some point. Women are better than men at many things and vice versa and that’s ok. But it isn’t.

Guess what America? Overwhelmingly, men are better at tasks that involve strength, analytics, and logic. That doesn’t mean no woman can do them, it means most can’t. Conversely, women are overwhelmingly better at things that involve nurturing, nagging, and knitting. We all need to be ok with that. And yes, I’m literally laughing out-loud as I write this.

I’m sorry that it offends your senses that most people either don’t believe a woman can be a super-hero, or that they just don’t like a movie…it doesn’t have to be a condemnation of society.

As proven by Wonder Woman, America can love a strong female character. But guess what? It’s going to be rare, because in the real world, it’s rare. And that’s ok. It’s what we call life.

I’m married to a female super hero. More than a decade into her service with the Army and a year in Afghanistan sitting across from people whose names you know from the news, my wife defies the odds. And guess what? As much as I love her and respect her and her training, if my life is hanging in the balance and I can’t fight for it, given the choice, I want my friend Pat, who has spent his life as a law enforcement officer on the front line in front of Christina. Not for reasons of chivalry, but for likelihood of success. Pat’s never seen or experienced what my wife has, but I’ll take him for $400, Alex.

Does that make me a chauvinist? To far too many, yes it does. And that’s pathetic. What’s more pathetic is those exact same people will demand that a man can’t be their nurse. Hypocrisy reigns in this idiotic country.

And for the record, my wife can kick your ass. Period.

more posts in: