Depending on when you’re reading this, you are either already aware, or are about to be aware, that we have launched a line of patriotic RAD apparel, designed to honor the American military, give us all a chance to show our support for those who serve, and give everyone an opportunity to donate to some very worthy veteran charities.
In the process of designing the clothing line, my wife, Christina, and I, went to great pains to make it as mass-appeal as possible. And this is where we were reminded of how awful America 2019 is.
The original concept was to use our “maggot army” slogan as part of the shirt, but we quickly realized that people not familiar with the show would easily jump to the conclusion that we were calling American soldiers fly larvae, and I don’t need to be on Fox News trying to explain that we don’t think those who serve are, in fact, maggots. It was beyond easy to imagine a scenario in which some idiot who has never listened to our show (and probably lives in Arkansas or Virginia) stumbled upon our store and immediately put us on blast via social media for demeaning the military. So, we scrapped that idea entirely.
We already knew we wanted to honor all branches of the military, but we also wanted some sort of slogan or phrase or expression that would properly reflect how those of us who support those who have served feel. We needed a three or four word phrase…and so we began, while trying to find something that would express gratitude while not also inciting the political divide that is America 2019:
- UNITED WE STAND: Nope…Standing for the national anthem, etc. OUT
- GOD BLESS AMERICA: Nope…Religious…OUT
- HOME OF THE BRAVE: Nope…it implies others aren’t brave and is probably racist somehow towards Native Americans. OUT
- LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL: Nope…it implies that America has a justice system that doesn’t discriminate against certain races, classes, and creeds which it clearly does, so OUT.
There are many more failed examples, but eventually we knew we were missing the obvious so we Googled “patriotic bumper stickers,” under the guise that we would get examples of three or four word phrases which would work for our project. Bad idea. For in America 2019, patriotism is, of course, defined by what team you are on. There was a time, not long ago, that patriotism was defined as being on team America. Now it’s defined as being on team “Republican” or team “Democrat,” and it’s pathetic. You’re welcome to do the exercise yourself, but here’s what comes up as being defined as patriotic in America today:
- I’D RATHER BE A CONSERVATIVE NUT JOB THAN A LIBERAL WITH NO NUTS OR JOB
- IMPEACHMENT IS PATRIOTIC
- I’M REPUBLICAN BECAUSE WE CAN’T ALL BE ON WELFARE
- HILLARY 2016 MICHELLE 2024
- MY DOG IS A DEMOCRAT. HE WAITS AROUND ALL DAY AND EXPECTS ME TO FEED HIM
- TRUMP WON GET OVER IT
- PRO AMERICA, ANTI-TRUMP
- I STAND FOR THE ANTHEM
- F&*K TRUMP
- STILL SUPPORT OBAMA? HOW STUPID ARE YOU?
- IF CONSERVATIVES ARE SO PATRIOTIC, WHY DO THEY KEEP SENDING JOBS OVERSEAS?
- DON’T BE A JACKASS, VOTE REPUBLICAN
- BLAME AMERICA; IT’S CALLED TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
- PATRIOTISM: ONE MORE WAY TO PISS OFF A LIBERAL
And on and on it goes. This is how America defines patriotism today; are you on my team, which is dividing America, or not?
It was an exhausting process to finally land on “Freedom is not free,” which I am sure will still piss someone off because today’s Americans are the stupidest people on Earth. It’s still stunning to me how far we have fallen as a culture and how stupid and ignorant we have become.
It shouldn’t take hours to figure out how to best honor and support those who serve and have served, but we don’t live in should-land, we live in Stupids-ville, AKA America 2019.