Accept spousal support
Allow their sons to keep trophies for anything other than 1st place
Belong to a Men’s Rights Activist group.
Blow their nose… they blow snot rockets.
Bring a mitt to a baseball game
Bring or welcome women to man-time like Poker games, Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Meetings or anything in between
Call other men “just to talk.”
Carry a man purse or wear a fanny pack
Chew flavored tobacco
Choose the urinal next to one that is already being used unless there are no other choices
Cope with life.
Cry other than the three times already allowed (Death of your parent, child or dog, when you retire from any level of athletic career, and during the movie “Field of Dreams.”).
Cry over physical pain, ever
Cuddle with other men
Cut their sandwiches or burgers in half
Dab their thingy after going to the bathroom.
Dance with their hands in the air.
Dress their dogs…ever, for any reason
Drink anything traditionally served with an umbrella
Drive a sports car with an automatic transmission
Drive with both hands on the wheel.
Eat fish at a steakhouse
Eat pizza with ranch dressing.
Engage in casual and/or “carefree” locker room nakedness
Engage in shmoopy talk around other men.
Ever admit that they’ve done anything on this list.
Ever experiment with or become a vegetarian
Ever need to ask which teams are playing
Ever purchase an extended warranty
Ever ride as the passenger on a motorcycle. That’s why it’s called “riding bitch.”
Ever say “eek,” or “Tee-hee.” Nor do they LOL, OMG or any other acronym that is girly, nor do they use emoticons
Ever watch the movie “The Notebook”
Find female comedians funny
Freak out about age milestones (“Eeek, I’m the big 3-0)
Get cosmetic procedures.
Get Flu shots
Get massages from other men
Get their belly buttons pierced.
Go into nursing
Go to a bed and breakfast.
Go to showers, baby, bridal or otherwise
Go to the dentist. Brush the pain away
Go to therapy
Have a 3-way with another man
Have a bucket list.
Have food allergies
Have fruity screensavers.
Have life coaches.
Jump for joy.
Keep love notes and/or cards
Know what a fedora is.
Know what quinoa is.
Let a woman BBQ
Let anyone change a tire for them
Let the woman drive when they’re in the same car
Listen to Coldplay
Live at home with their parents after the age of 18
Need to be told, “Never hit a woman.”
Own stupid animals
Participate in any manner in stupid sports
Participate in Christmas caroling or flash mobs
Participate in Live Action Role Play.
Participate in themed weddings.
Pat down pizza grease off with a napkin.
Play frisbee golf.
Post a Facebook status about how depressing his day or life is
Put fruit in their beer
Put stuffed animals on their bed
Refer to their wife as “the boss.”
Ride in cars with window stickers paying tribute to their family.
Run on the field to check on their son.
Run to get out of the rain.
Say they have “never seen the Expendables.”
Send baby pictures to other men.
Shade themselves from the heat
Share their feelings
Shave their legs
Sit in a hot tub or sauna with other men
Sit in the car while a woman fills the gas tank
Sponsor starving kids in Africa
Take cushions to work, school, or sporting events. If the seat is too hard for your little bottom, don’t go.
Take paternity leave
Take their kids on play dates with other men.
Take their wife’s last name
Think it’s funny to say that “real men don’t need lists.”
Throw their porn away when their girlfriend moves in.
Use a diary
Use a straw
Use blankets to keep warm at sporting events.
Use Sensodyne toothpaste
Use the term “date night.”
Use the term “making love.”
Use the term “bromance”
Use wet wipes on their butts.
Wash their hands after going to the bathroom.
Watch women’s sports.
Wear a costume
Wear a hat while the national anthem is being performed
Wear earplugs at a concert.
Wear gloves while weightlifting
Wear skinny jeans
Wear socks and sandals at the same time
When grilling, cut open the meat to see if it’s done
Let us know what you think should be on the list and email us at firstname.lastname@example.org