Bear with me as I write this and you read it! I suck at writing, I pretty much write how I talk lol! There was an email we received on the Show this past week that really struck a cord with me so I wanted to expand on it in a much more thorough way. With 5 voices I try to limit my time cause y’all tune in for all of us lol!!
A guy wrote in who has been with his girlfriend for a few years I think it was and she has always said she doesn’t want children but he does. He describes her basically as amazing and he loves her. But what to do when one of you wants children and the other doesn’t?
First and foremost if having children is something you have always wanted, you lead with that on the first or second date. Yep I’m not kidding! This way you know right away not to get attached to someone who fundamentally doesn’t align with you.
If you want to have children you want to make sure you are dating someone who is a family person and wants that life. They are two completely DIFFERENT ways of life, life with children and life with no children. You want someone who has the same vision as you for your life.
When my husband Gary and I started dating it was one of the first conversations we had, we both wanted a family not right this minute but absolutely we both wanted to have children. As we continued to date and then get married Gary had become MY person. The love of my life, for so many more reasons than we both wanted kids. Yes that added to it but it wasn’t the only reason.
Gary and I never use/used birth control, there were times however that I kept track of when I was ovulating and all that to up our chances. With all that pregnancy still never came our way. This is the shortened version of the story lol!! Was it devastating, yes. Did it take YEARS for me to come to terms with it and finally have peace with it, yes.
Gary was okay about it, not in a non caring way, he was there for me every step of the way when I would have a break down about it…but he has the amazing ability to always adjust to what reality is. Not what was, or could have been but what is.
There were times I would be like “you truly don’t even want kids do you?” I would say this to him because he wouldn’t be getting as sad about it as I would. And he’d calmly say “yes I do want them, but yes I am also happy with our life right now and when/if we have children I will be happy with that life as well.” This ability of his to live in the moment was maddening at first but then became such a great place of growth for myself and outlook on life!!
Gary and I lift all things up in Prayer and we both very much believed that if we couldn’t get pregnant the old fashioned way than God had other plans for the time and money we would have spent on our own children. And thats exactly whats happened in our life together. And because we both had wanted a family of our own, using our time and money where God has seen fit for us to use on others was a no brainer.
While it is extremely important to be with someone who also wants kids, its also more important that that person is YOUR person. Meaning if you end up not being able to get pregnant, you can get thru that together. As much as I wanted to have children my whole life and as painful as it was for many years, I feel so incredibly blessed to have found my person. My life is fulfilled and I am at peace. Things to think about if you are going thru this!
Getting back to the guy who wrote in. It makes it so much harder when you continue going out with someone who doesn’t want kids. Maybe you are hoping somewhere along the way they will change their mind. But there is no negotiation with this. Having children is a HUGE deal. Raising a family is NOT easy and its made even harder if you end up having children with someone who didn’t want them.
I have seen this since I was blessed with my first Neice when I was 15, having children completely changes a persons life. Most for the better some for the worst. Who you have children with MATTERS. It matters to that child and it matters to your emotional and mental well being!
To the guy who wrote in…I can only tell you, that if someone had said to me when I was 30 that children aren’t in my future but I will still have a content fulfilled life, I would have laughed at them and told them to F off. I truly felt there was NO way I will be content or fulfilled if I don’t have children. I would have NEVER believed it was possible. Yet here we are and it is!!!
I am not saying this is how it will turn out for you. I’m saying that sometimes we are so sure of something and then life has other plans for us. I also know what a beautiful dream it is to want children and it is so amazing for so many. Life’s chapters are gone in the blink of an eye. If you have lived long enough you know this to be true, don’t let the time pass you by to either try and fulfill that dream or to become content with letting a dream go.