Bittersweet Holiday Season

My Mom passed away in September and I’m not going to sugar coat it, its been rough. For years My Mom and I had a complicated relationship and for some of those years we didn’t have a relationship at all. Our childhood was pretty rough with abuse.. mental, physical and sexual at the hands of our Step Monster…for the longest time we thought our Mom just looked the other way to choose a Man over her children…

After many many years of therapy, anger, sadness, depression and more anger and therapy I was able to see that that was not the case at all. Our Mom was also being abused and was absolutely clueless. There is a lot to the story but the short of it was we hated our step Monster the minute he stepped foot into our house, way before he did anything to us and we tried our best to get rid of him. By the time he started abusing us, he was able to convince our Mom that we were lying  about that because after all we had already made our hatred for him known. She was weak, no self esteem, no self love, she was prime for the pickings to be abused and manipulated.

None of this is an excuse, only an explanation. After all was said and done and she was able to see the truth My Mom lived with deep deep regret. Her and I helped each other heal and forgive and it was gosh damn beautiful and I feel very blessed that we experienced that together. Thankfully I had learned how to have true forgiveness and my Mom and I were able to have a great loving relationship for several years before she passed away.

My pain is raw and in my throat and I feel like at any moment I can burst out crying. So far I have been saving that for when I get in my truck or I am at home!  I want to be able to live my day to day life and not walk around crying and hurting while knowing there is a time to do that and I do take those moments to have a good cry without allowing it to take over. My Mom loved life and she was full of life, she would want me living and enjoying the time I have.

This brings us to the Holiday Season and I miss her more than ever. I miss our talks, her great advice and insight on life. I miss her strong faith she had in God. I miss her laugh, loud and boisterous. I miss the overall comfort she knew how to give.

One of the stranger things that has occurred that I never really thought about when my Dad died because my Mom was still alive but I feel like an orphan on some days…its the weirdest thing to be on this planet and the 2 people that brought me into this world are no longer living..My Mom and Dad….ugh sigh..

She loved this time of year so it’s going to be bittersweet enjoying all that this season has to offer while also wishing we had had just one more Christmas with her….okay I need to stop writing we have company coming over for Sunday Family brunch and I don’t want to be a crying mess lol!

To all those that are in the same boat as I…I feel your pain..God Bless you and I pray for comfort, peace and joy for you this Season.

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