Perhaps no word defines America in 2018 more so than “victim.”
In the greatest nation on Earth in the history of mankind, it is deliciously ironic that, as our economy booms and we enjoy the trappings of modern times in a way no other country can comprehend, we are all victims. Some of us look to be victims, others simply use the word the very moment we feel in any way aggrieved, marginalized, or offended.
Victims used to be people who were harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. Or, a victim could also be a person who is tricked or duped.
Now, victims are those who don’t like words said not just to them, but about them, or even around them. Yes, a person not being spoken to who overhears a word they believe to be offensive, is a victim. Just ask your HR department.
Victims are also those who are disagreed with or questioned. Don’t believe me? Have the audacity to publicly question a transgender person who is biologically male but identifies female why you should call them by the pronoun “she.” And then watch your career be disassembled before your very eyes. Wonder out-loud how Jennifer Lawrence can possibly equate her naked selfies being stolen and published to a sex crime (which would place it under the same heading as things such as Sexual conduct with a minor, sexual assault, and molestation of a child). Once you’ve done that, be prepared to be called heartless, a predator, and tone-deaf (as you’re packing up your personal belongings and leaving what’s left of your ability to be part of the American workforce).
But with victims must come perpetrators. Who are the offenders in each of our multiple instances daily of creating victims? This intellectual exercise led me down a very long a winding road:
It’s obvious on its’ face that middle aged white men can never be the victim. It’s not possible. They’re the Adam of the Adam of Eve of America, after all. A group of middle aged white men (MAWM) who owned slaves started the mess that has become the greatest nation on Earth that, seemingly, about 40% of us hate and feel viciously guilty over. But even within the category of MAWM, there are subsets. A gay MAWM who attacks a Christian MAWM for his religious bigotry wins. So, even within white man-on-white-man attacks, determining the victim from the attacker comes with asterisks.
Women are clearly victims by their very existence within the #metoo era, but this gets dicey quickly. A woman of color has more standing than a white woman. But a gay white woman has far more standing over a woman of color who is politically conservative. A woman of color who questions a gay white man must apologize, showing that the gay white man has more standing as a victim. But if the gay white man is wearing a “MAGA,” hat, he’s out. If a woman of color, who is a Muslim, gets in a shouting match with an African American woman, the Muslim wins. But if the Muslim woman is a pro-second amendment hunter who denies man-made climate change, and the woman of color is a free-thinking hipster who owns four rescue cats and hasn’t shaved her legs or arm-pits since 9/11, then that woman of color is clearly the victim.
Uh-oh…Just in the last two paragraphs, I’ve introduced race, gender, religion, sexuality, lifestyle and politics into this exercise.
We’re going to need a chart, or graph, or….maybe…a bracket? Think March Madness, with the emphasis being on the word “madness,” because that’s what this is; complete, total, and unambiguously ignorant madness. In the world of the learned they call it “identity politics.” In fly-over states they call it “political correctness.” I call it the ultimate demise of our society.
To determine the most-evil and, alternately, the most-pure, I began with six brackets of categories and pitted people against one another, as I was doing above, to determine who would emerge the most pristine of each category. Once there, we could work our way towards the battle of the most flawless amongst us to determine who it is that can, under any circumstance, do absolutely no wrong; the ultimate untouchable.
I began with GENDER, thinking it would be the easiest. Man, woman, and transgender. Boy, was I wrong. Ooops, I mean, Xe, was I wrong. First of all, keep in mind that gender has nothing to do with sex, sexuality, or attraction. Secondly, try to keep up with gender pronouns, which, based on my research, number at more than a dozen and growing. It is not as simple as him or her, we must now consider (when talking about one person) they, it, ne, ve, and ze. And also xe. Which is different than ze or ve.
According to one source (footnoted below as are all sources used), there are currently 58 accepted genders. A much more inclusive source lists 324 different genders, including 45 that begin with the letter “A,” alone. In researching this, I discovered “Cadensgender,” which is a gender that changes based on the music you’re listening to. For example, Maroon 5 might make you feel like a woman (I know it has that effect on me), whereas, AC/DC might cause you to identify as a man. Moving on, I found myself briefly questioning my own identity when I learned that Hydrogender is a thing. Given my love of the ocean, a gender which shares its’ qualities with that of water and tides seemed alluring, but I decided to stay male. There’s also Vapogender, defined as “a gender that sort of feels like smoke; can be seen on a shallow level but once you go deeper, it disappears and you are left with no gender and only tiny wisps of what you thought it was.” As I delved deeper, I have to admit that I was caught off guard by Cyclogender which is a gender identity that changes with one’s menstrual cycle, which, in my ignorance, seemed to me to be “a woman,” but, of course it’s not that simple. During your menstrual cycle, you most likely identify as some form of female, but the rest of the time you’ll identify as something else, making you gender-fluid, but not always. Got it?
In trying to pit gender against gender, a clear winner emerged in terms of the one (or they) that could never be a victim: a Healegender, A gender that brings peace of mind to the identifier. Once adopted, this gender connects the mind in ways that it had not been connected before. It brings clarity, creativity, and security to its identifier. I mean, seriously, give them the title belt and go home.
However, for the purpose of this exercise, I stuck with the mainstream choices of today’s hypersensitive society and determined that a post-operative transgender woman is the champion of this bracket. They, it, she, ze, has completed the transition from the inferior, more disgusting male to the near-untouchable female, depending on the choices she makes moving forward. But for now, we’re just dealing with gender, so we have our victor! Or, in this case, Victoria.
Moving to the second bracket, SEXUALITY, was easy by comparison, though no less confusing. With 24 different sexualities, including a few that don’t actually address a person’s sexuality, most notably “ally,” which is simply a person that refuses to pigeonhole or announce their sexuality because they are a “A supporter of the LGBT+ community that does not identify as LGBT+,” the list was less daunting by sheer numbers alone. So, for example, if you were the aforementioned Middle-aged white male who was an Ally, you’d immediately shoot up the charts in terms of your ability to be a victim. A black guy who doesn’t support reparations doesn’t stand a chance against you, you victim.
A queer, which is a reclaimed slur for anybody in the LGBT+ community who do not identify as cisgender and/or heterosexual/heteromantic presents interesting challenges because if a female of color were to call a gay white man a “queer,” she’d be the aggressor, even though the word is now used within the LBGTQRSTUV community as a symbol of pride. I suppose it’s sort of like African Americans who demand they can use the “N” word and no one else can.
Determining the Untouchable in the sexuality bracket began by easily identifying the worst of the worst of all assailants, the Heteronormative, who lives by the belief that heterosexuality is the norm and that sex, gender, sexuality, and gender roles all align. Clearly Satan. As I worked my way up the chain, it was easy to eliminate all sexualities that are attracted to one thing in particular. Whether it be the obvious hetero or homo sexual, or the lesser-known Androsexual and Gynosexual (which are, respectively, being attracted to masculine or feminine gender presentation), they all are some form of bigot because they are not inclusive and open-to-all when it comes to what they are attracted to. After sifting through them all and pitting them against one another, I landed on bracket two’s untouchable; the pansexual, which is when you are attracted to all genders and/or do not consider gender when you are attracted towards someone. You just can’t get much more open minded and wonderful than that. So, after two rounds we’re beginning to carve the Claret Jug of enlightenment to include a Pansexual post-operative transgender woman. Things are taking shape nicely.
RACE presents a more clear path, for the most part. Without any of our other variables considered, white people are the worst, obviously. But how many races should be considered and how do we classify them? As usual, the U.S. Government is way behind the times and only recognizes, as of the most recent U.S. Census website posting, 5 races, to include White, black, American Indian, Asian, and Pacific Islander. Ludicrous! The only bit of progress they’ve made is to add in ethnicity to allow a box on their forms to be checked by an Hispanic or Latino, which would be a person of Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican, South or Central America, or other Spanish culture or origin, regardless of race. But clearly, that’s not inclusive enough. Once I found the definitive list of ethnicities in America, I again, immediately eliminated anyone who would most likely present as white! So, gone were Russian Americans, Albanian, Canadian, and of course, all European Americans. As we worked our way through the race wars, there were some interesting and close calls; Palestinian and Haitian Americans immediately invoke compassion and pity, but couldn’t get very far in the bracket once we moved into the Hispanic heat. Cuban versus Mexican Americans went to Mexicans, since Mexicans are currently a victim class unto themselves thanks to the immigration battle in America (plus, if we were to add in other variables it would be an instant loss for Cubans since the overwhelming majority of them are politically conservative). Mexicans versus African and Native Americans was a knockdown drag out battle. While Mexican Americans are today’s victim poster-children, African and Native Americans have more historical standing. White colonists stole the Native’s land, for God’s sake! But, African Americans win the battle with the ultimate trump card (no pun intended)…slavery. So, if we continue to assemble our perfect human who can never do wrong, we now have an African American Pansexual post-operative transgender woman.
RELIGION brings us some obvious eliminations from the jump; all Christians and any sects thereof are clearly wrong. Period. Nothing but aggressive, bigoted, judgmentalists there. If we focus on the world’s major religions, Jews are the next losers since they’re a bunch of oppressive Zionists who are the enemy of the far more pure and victimized Palestinians, and, by extension, Muslims, which gets us quickly to our untouchable religion in America; Islam aka Muslims. The only reason any of them are mad at us is America’s fault and we should be tolerant and understanding of that. And since America is a nation of deplorables engaging in Islamophobia, we omit any facts that may feed into our bloodlust, such as recently when a Muslim extremist was training children in America to commit school shootings, but the media was beyond silent about the man’s religious affiliation.
Our ultimate victim who could never have one word uttered or side-eye look sent their way is now an African American Pansexual post-operative transgender woman who is Muslim.
One caveat; if Transcendentalism were a religion, it would be the winner, for it rises us above what the elites amongst us would call the “infantile notion that there is a God,” of any kind, yet is far more advanced than mere atheism, since it is defined as an idealistic philosophical and social movement that developed in New England around 1836 in reaction to rationalism. It taught that divinity pervades all nature and humanity, and its members held progressive views on feminism and communal living. Based on that, if anything, Transcendentalism is more of a lifestyle, which leads us nicely to bracket number five.
LIFESTYLE is the catch all category that allows us to help identify, as quickly as possible, the most belligerent, abhorrent, loathsome, hatefu,l people amongst us. Instantly guilty people are, of course, anyone who engages in any activity that could be deemed to be traditionally American, and more specifically, stereotypically white American, such as farming, hunting, and hot air ballooning. Also, anyone who proudly flies or displays an American flag is clearly a racist, colonizing, oppressor at heart and is not to be trusted, believed, or given any quarter. A man who engages in chivalry is a chauvinist and a woman who asks for chivalry is a victim and/or handmaid. Football is barbaric, Soccer is a much more worldly, inclusive sport. If you recycle and work actively to save the planet, you’re golden, if you drive an SUV and even question climate change, you’re a villain. If you attend and/or support Burning Man, you’re enlightened, if you attend a Country Music concert, you’re racist and wrong about everything. If you proudly watch or support Duck Dynasty, Nascar, or the police, you’re racist, but if you support Black Lives Matter, wear ribbons to support pretty much anything, and espouse white privilege as the evil that it is, you’re rock solid as a human being. Anyone who shops at, eats at, and/or supports Hobby Lobby, Chick-Fil-A, Cracker Barrel, Wal-mart, Waffle House, the NFL, Jimmy John’s, The Koch Brothers, Fox News, GMO’s, the NRA, Papa John’s, the Salvation Army, Big Oil, and of course anything that has the name “Trump,” on it, are to be vilified and destroyed. In fact, if you aren’t making all of your decisions based on the “Buycott,” APP you simply aren’t woke. On the other hand, if you compost, resist traditional gender-norm behaviors such women shaving and men not wearing makeup, are Vegan, understand that everything that’s funny to one person is offensive to another and therefore is wrong, hate white people and “white culture,” and know, for certain, that the U.S. Department of Agriculture put fluorides in red Kool-Aid to make black children score lower on their SATs, then you are forgiven entirely. Yes, those are all real.
With such a list, our perfect person becomes more complicated, but generally can be defined as A woke African American Pansexual post-operative transgender woman who is Muslim and realizes that they still have to live and function in a racist world built on the evil pillars of capitalism, Christianity and white supremacy.
For our final challenge, we head to politics, which is fairly simple, despite the fact that almost everything today is, in fact, political. For the purpose of our exercise, all Republicans, Conservatives, Libertarians, and anyone who supports president Trump could never be a victim, and is always wrong. Even fake Republicans like Arnold Schwarzenegger and John McCain lose out quickly because of their alleged political affiliation. Only folks such as Colin Powell, who essentially denounce, publicly, everything that Republicans and Conservatives stand for and make sure America knows they voted twice for Barack Obama, are even remotely considered as possibly prone to being a victim rather than an aggressor. While it would be easy, therefore, to simply say “Democrat,” wins our Political bracket, it’s not that simple. Senator Joe Manchin is a Democrat from Virginia who supports the coal industry and is pro-gun. He’s out. The truth is that you have to essentially know that Russia rigged the 2016 election, Trump is a racist madman, and Socialism in the answer to all of America’s problems that don’t exist. As long as you know that intentions are more important than results, humans are destroying the planet, and the entire American system is rigged to benefit only the rich and there’s no such thing as the American dream, you can never be on the wrong side of anything political.
So, to conclude, if you don’t want your career ruined ever, and you want to become the one person on Earth who could never, ever, be accused of being wrong no matter what you did (including murder), then you must become the following:
A woke African American Pansexual post-operative transgender Socialist woman who is Muslim and realizes that you still have to live and function in a racist world built on the pillars of capitalism, Christianity and white supremacy. You’re welcome…now, rape and pillage with impunity, for you will automatically only prey on those who deserve it, who are, by definition, everyone!
POST SCRIPT: I sent this to a friend and he said the following: “Wait a minute, what if I disagree with A woke African American Pansexual post-operative transgender Socialist woman who is Muslim and realizes that you still have to live and function in a racist world built on the pillars of capitalism, Christianity and white supremacy, and I happen to be A woke African American Pansexual post-operative transgender Socialist woman who is Muslim and realizes that you still have to live and function in a racist world built on the pillars of capitalism, Christianity and white supremacy, and I am disabled?”
DAMNIT! Back to the drawing board…