Amy Schumer Is Fat

A manufactured controversy emerged this weekend which speaks volumes about our idiotic society and cannot be ignored.

There is a female comedian named Amy Schumer who began to break out on the national stage a couple years ago via Comedy Central and is about to star in her first feature film, directed by Judd Apatow, called “Trainwreck.”

This weekend, a Hollywood reporter named Jeffrey Wells wrote the following:

“…director Judd Apatow is once again introducing a chubby, whipsmart, not conventionally attractive, neurotically bothered female comic to a mass audience — first Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids (’11), then Lena Dunham in HBO’s Girls (’12) and now Amy Schumer, the star and writer of Trainwreck as well as the star of Comedy Central’s Inside Amy Schumer. She’s obviously sharp and clever and funny as far as the woe-is-me, self-deprecating thing goes, but there’s no way she’d be an object of heated romantic interest in the real world…Schumer’s wide facial features reminded me of a blonde Lou Costello…or Jennifer Aniston‘s somewhat heavier, not-as-lucky sister who watches a lot of TV…You know who would be better in a film like this? An actress who’s nicely attractive…”

And of course, in a nation threatened by an economy that is not improving despite the caterwauling to the contrary, is being threatened by a terrorist organization described by all as being far more powerful and maniacal than Al Qaeda every dreamed of being, and is percolating on the edges of a new race war, this…the Amy Schumer “dis,” is what we’re all talking about.  Good for us.

Let’s make this column a series of questions, shall we? (that was the first question… the only correct answer is “yes.”)

– Is Amy Schumer sharp, clever and funny? Yes, actually she is. She’s also pretty dirty and edgy. Few female comedians are truly funny, but she can make people of all genres laugh now and then.

– Is Amy Schumer whipsmart and a neurotically bothered female comic? Based on everything I’ve seen, yes, and she would admit to such.

– Would Amy Schumer ever be an object of heated romantic interest in the real world? Surprisingly to some of you, the answer is yes…with a caveat as follows: Amy Schumer is, in my opinion, an adorable, witty, intelligent, biting woman. Much about her is attractive to many people. And if I were in a bar and Amy Schumer was the only single girl there, I’d go home alone because despite her positive qualities, she’s somewhere between pudgy and fat and I’m not attracted to that. And guess what? My opinion, along with Hollywood reporter Jeff Wells’ opinion, has a place in today’s society no matter how much you try to take it away from us.

Much of this, of course, is reminiscent of the recent debate over Sport Illustrated printing an asinine ad which showed a guy falling into a swimming pool because he is so stricken by the beauty of a sea cow in a size 16 bikini. And all of it falls under the mantra of modern day America which remains as follows: “You have the right to your own opinion as long as it agrees with mine.” In other words, as long as you are politically correct, you can say whatever you want, but the minute you have the audacity to speak either the truth or your truth, which doesn’t necessarily coincide with the mob, you must be destroyed.

C’mon,…Amy Schumer is chubby. Deal with it. No one is claiming that she isn’t accomplished, smart, funny to some or even unwanted. There are plenty of guys who would love to bang her and probably even more who would love to treat her like a queen. But guess what? There are a lot of us who look at her like our sister; which put nicely translates as follows: She’s got good qualities, but we don‘t want to see her naked.

The feminists and female empowerment crowd will scream garbage like “why do you even have to comment on her appearance?” To which the answer is obvious: Because we’re human beings. Look no further than the hypocritical outrage this weekend over Jamie Dornan, who is being scorched as not being “sexy or manly,” enough to portray Christian Grey in the new movie “50 shades of Grey.” Millions of people are commenting, specifically, on Dornan’s physical appearance as being “not up to snuff.” Well guess what? That’s what some of us are saying about Amy Schumer and to argue that Dornan is portraying a sex symbol and Schumer is a comedian whose words we should listen to is stupidly childish. Go to hell, we all judge everyone based on their appearance. Don’t like it? Don’t leave your home, stupid.

News Flash…Ellen is ugly. So is David Letterman and his stupid toothless grin. ESPN’s Chris Berman is fat and stupid. Melissa McCarthy is a disgusting blob of garbage. Jon Stewart is short. New Jersey governor Chris Christie is a pile of goo akin to Jabba the Hut. Matt Lauer looks like a recovering cancer patient. Bill O Reilly resembles the Crypt Keeper. Meghan Trainor is pudgy. Mila Kunis is suddenly aging poorly. Miley Cyrus I’m told looks like a boy. Kevin Hart is a borderline midget. Questlove has stupid hair.

What do all of those comments have in common? They’re all very real judgments of very, very, very successful, famous, rich people. Boo fucking hoo for them and all of us. Being judged based on your appearance is natural, normal, and is never going away so stop trying to make it disappear. You can’t take the human out of humanity.

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