A recent RAD RADIO show investigation uncovered the reason behind all of the confusing and seemingly contradictory rules and guidelines when it comes to what we can and can’t do regarding opening up the nation and avoiding Covid-19. It turns out that Covid has negotiated separately with all 188 countries in which it currently thrives. Even more impressively, Covid has also embraced Thomas Jefferson’s original vision for America, in which each state would be its’ own laboratory of Democracy. Covid has negotiated unique agreements with each of the United States; that’s why, for example, in Alabama, as long as you’re wearing a face mask, you can gather in groups larger than 10 people, but in New Jersey, even if you have a mask on, you can’t gather with 26 or more people. Similarly, Covid agreed that in Arkansas, everyone under the age of 10 can go around without a mask on, but in Kansas it’s 5 years-old and in Rhode Island, it’s 2 years-old . Clearly, the kids of Kansas and Rhode Island need a better agent.
The truth is that any form of logical, critical thinking, instantly reveals the idiocy of all of the random policies around the globe, none of which make any sense.
Gyms are open at 30% capacity in Delaware, and with no capacity restrictions at all in Georgia, but are completely closed in California, New York, and New Jersey. Gatherings of any size are allowed in Idaho, but in Kentucky, 50 people is the limit. Restaurants can operate at 75% indoor capacity in Indiana, 50% in Lousiana, and 25% in Pennsylvania. In California, no indoor dining is allowed at all. States across the country also have different curfews for alcohol consumption in public. Apparently Covid comes out at night and attacks you in Virginia if you order a drink at a restaurant after 10PM.
My wife and I went out to dinner over the weekend and had a waitress and bus boy who brought us, with their hands, our wine bottle, bread plate, seafood tower, meals, salt and pepper shakers, and the bill. The waitress even took my credit card out of my hand, and later handed it back to me, while handing me a pen, which I then used to sign the receipt and hand back to her. But they weren’t allowed to box up our left-overs for us. Apparently Covid draws the line there.
It’s absolute lunacy the way we’re allowing ourselves to live; not that any of this is actually living. And so, using various state’s restrictions as a guide, I have put together a very logical look at the ways we’re told we can safely avoid Covid versus the things which will give us the dreaded virus. https://www.aarp.org/politics-society/government-elections/info-2020/coronavirus-state-restrictions.html
There are basically two ways to read the chart provided, and I’ve done both multiple times. It can be read through a humorous prism, which is actually the vein in which I began compiling it. It’s almost impossible to see things, side by side, which we are and aren’t supposed to do, and not laugh hysterically. Eventually, though, the laughter stops when you realize this isn’t a comedy skit, it’s our reality, and it’s absolutely stupid beyond words.
THE RULES OF COVID
|
HOW TO SAFELY AVOID COVID |
HOW TO CATCH
AND/OR SPREAD COVID |
| Stay 6 feet away from everyone that you don’t live with | Come within 5’11” of anyone you don’t live with |
| Allow people that you live with to come and go as they please, working and running essential errands and then meet back up with them at home | Invite a friend over |
| Shop at grocery stores | Shop at locally owned small businesses |
| Shop at Wal-Mart and Target | Go to museums, aquariums, or public libraries |
| Shop at Home Depot and Lowe’s | Go to a family fun center, bowling alley, or arcade |
| Shop at Costco | Go to an outdoor amusement park |
| Shop at Ikea and Bass Pro Shops | Have a gathering with friends at your house |
| Pick up, sample, and put back fishing poles, GPS systems, binoculars, hunting vests, and everything in between. | Sit on furniture that you might want to buy to see if it’s comfortable |
| Make an appointment to go to the DMV or play miniature golf | Make an appointment to get your hair or nails done |
| Shut down all salad bars and hot food stations in grocery stores but allow people to stick their hands into piles of produce and/or touch and put back fruits and vegetables with abandon | Work out at a gym
|
| HOW TO SAFELY
AVOID COVID |
HOW TO CATCH
AND/OR SPREAD COVID |
| MARCH 2020: Use planet killing plastic bags for all groceries | Use bacteria and germ catching re-usable bags |
| UPDATED JUNE 2020: Use re-usable bags | Have the grocery store clerk place your items in your re-usable bag, as opposed to doing it yourself, despite the fact that if you buy a plastic bag from the store, they will touch the items you just bought and bag them for you |
| Have a total stranger pick up and deliver food to your doorstep, seeing none of the steps taken in the entire process | Attend a backyard barbeque with close friends |
| MARCH 2020: Don’t wear a mask, they’re a security blanket only | MARCH 2020: Wear a mask which causes you to touch your face endlessly as you adjust it and spread germs |
| APRIL 2020: Wear a face covering…it can be cloth, just cover your damn face | APRIL 2020: Don’t wear a face covering |
| MID-APRIL 2020: Wear a face covering if you can’t socially distance | Visit a dying relative in the hospital while wearing a face covering |
| MAY 2020: Wear a face covering even if you are socially distanced | Fail to wear a face covering while in your car and running the A/C |
| MID MAY 2020: Wear face coverings indoors all the time even if you are socially distanced
|
Fail to wear a face covering at home if you live with anyone |
| JUNE 2020: Wear face coverings even when you are outdoors, whether you are socially distancing or not | Take a walk outdoors alone without a mask |
| Wear a mask while indoors but feel free to lower your mask to smoke and exhale into the surrounding environment | Walk the wrong way down an aisle in Wal-Mart |
| Depending on which state you’re in, gather inside with somewhere between 6-100 people | Add one person over the limit to your gathering |
| HOW TO SAFELY
AVOID COVID |
HOW TO CATCH
AND/OR SPREAD COVID |
| Wear a mask…they work | Have prisoners wear masks to stop the spread…(it’s much better to release them early). |
| Allow day care and child care centers to be open, and Keep the YMCA and Boys and Girls Clubs across America as open as possible | Allow kids to go back to school |
| Touch the same keypad as dozens of strangers have at stores, ATM’s and restaurants. | Get a massage |
| Keep 6 feet of distance from your co-workers but go out to a business lunch together and get seated at the same table | Have too many people in the break room at one time |
| Pump gasoline | Shake someone’s hand |
| Fly on an airplane with recirculated air | Run your home or office air conditioner |
| fly on an airplane surrounded by strangers wearing masks | Sit across the table from your manicurist while you’re both wearing masks |
| Exercise your first amendment right and protest in favor of racial equality | Exercise your first amendment right and protest in favor of opening up businesses |
| Scream, chant, and/or yell “Black Lives matter!” | Sing in Church |
| Hold 3 public funerals in three cities for George Floyd | Hold a funeral for your grandfather |
| Hold a public funeral for Civil Rights Pioneer John Lewis | Have your dream wedding |
| HOW TO SAFELY
AVOID COVID |
HOW TO CATCH
AND/OR SPREAD COVID |
| Stand shoulder to shoulder and arm in arm in support of racial equality | Attend a Trump rally |
| Sit outside at a restaurant | Sit inside at a restaurant |
| Have a server at a restaurant bring you food, pour your water and wine, and clear your table | Have your server pack up your leftovers |
| If you’re an NFL player, go to a party, bar or nightclub with 15 people in attendance | If you’re an NFL player, go to a party, bar or nightclub with 16 people in attendance |
| If you’re an NFL player, while at team facilities, wear a mask, adhere to social distance protocols and don’t share towels, water bottles, food or clothing, and then play tackle football with and against people you don’t live with and who are not quarantined in an isolation bubble | Allow fans in the stands at sporting events |
| If you’re in Nevada, go to a casino | If you’re in Nevada, go to a bar |
| If you’re in Colorado, bowl and drink until 10PM | If you’re in Colorado, bowl and order a drink at 10:01pm or later |
| If you’re in California, order a meal, as defined by the state, with your alcohol | If you’re in California, order only chicken wings with your alcohol. |
| Do things outdoors, socially distanced | Allow people to attend outdoor concerts with social distancing in place |
| Masks and social distancing | Allow everything to open with masks mandatory and social distancing enforced |
| YOU CAN’T (and unless you’re elderly or high risk, you shouldn’t) | Live life the way it’s meant to be lived, apparently. |
