Dear Facebook,
Thank you. Those two words say it all. Thank you for all that you’ve taught me, not just about what’s left of humanity, but about myself and all of the things I need to change, improve on, and learn. Thank you also for constantly showing me that facts are irrelevant and jumping to asinine, uninformed conclusions is the proper way to behave.
Specifically:
Thank you, Facebook, for letting me know that I am lying about doing well in life financially. I was unaware that I had a house foreclosed on and that I am in mountains of debt. But apparently, according to many of your fine users, and despite what all of my financial records say, it is so.
Thank you, Facebook, for letting me know that there is something wrong with my front lawn. I was totally unaware that through one picture, showing only one angle of a massive yard on social media, that a conclusion could be reached by dozens of lawn experts.
Thank you, Facebook, for always telling me what I should like, whether it be clothing choices or home appliances. I am hoping to set up a new page soon which will allow everyone else to make all of my choices for me so I can be more well liked on social media.
Thank you, Facebook, for letting me know with each picture of myself that I post that I am getting fatter and fatter, even though I have lost all of the weight I gained and am back to the exact size I’ve been for 20 years. I thought easily sliding into my 31 inch waist pants and size 40 regular sport coat that I’ve worn for two decades was a sign that I had regained my form. I really thought it was true when I went to the doctor and weighed exactly what I did in 2005. Thank God you let me know otherwise on a regular basis.
Thank you, Facebook, for calling my gorgeous girlfriend fat, too. It’s so fantastic that you can take one video or one picture and determine someone’s weight and body type and the way their beauty is distributed.
Thank you, Facebook, for being perfect. I love that you have the ability to criticize everyone and anyone because you are obviously perfect in every way. I strive to be like you one day; perfect in every way. Although it is odd when I see a comment, for example, about someone else being fat, that when I click on the person’s profile I see a hog as a profile photo.
Thank you, Facebook, for telling me how to run my radio show and educating me on things about the industry that I was clearly taught incorrectly. I particularly enjoy it when you totally disregard federal law and regulations and tell me what I can or should do.
Thank you, Facebook, for taking something courageous that one of my team does and turning it into something shameful or embarrassing. Here I was, for example, thinking that Amanda was courageous for embracing her body and herself, but you certainly set me straight with your comments on what I thought was her beautiful picture. Thank you, for another example, for shaming Brandon and making fun of him when he announced his quest for sobriety. I really enjoyed that.
Thank you, Facebook, for your helpful suggestions to Dawn, who has been very open about her journey through life as a non-mother that she and her husband should explore adoption or Foster parenting, two things she’s openly talked about for almost a decade now. You’re so very helpful when you say things that have already been considered, talked about, printed, and on the record for all for many, many years.
Thank you, Facebook for letting me know that there isn’t a perception that two male dogs can’t get along, even though there are endless results when you Google such and we’ve received countless calls from people over the years saying as though it’s true that two male dogs can’t get along. I was so happy to hear that I was debunking something that no one believed despite all evidence to the contrary.
Thank you, Facebook, for always knowing what you can’t possibly know. It is amazing how, despite any access to actual information, you still know everything. Every day I learn more about my industry, my show, my company, my staff, my girlfriend, and my own personal history. Thank you for always pointing out the “actual” facts and keeping me on the straight and narrow, even though you know nothing about what you’re talking about.
Thank you, Facebook, for allowing a place for people to post stories from fake, satirical news websites and pass them off as real to their moronic friends who believe anything.
Thank you, Facebook, for being the place that people can regurgitate one-sided reports that support their points of view, ignoring any counter-facts.
Most of all, Facebook, thank you for providing a platform for cowards. It is so wonderful that people have a place to go to say things they’d never have the courage to say to someone’s face. It’s also wonderful that judgmental people have somewhere to go to focus on the perceived flaws of others rather than their own lives. Losers need a place too, and you have certainly cornered the market. Thank you, Facebook.
